Underwater Wetsuit Removal, A Primer for the TriathaPeeler™ Phase I: Initiation 

1. Start the swim portion as you normally would in any standard triathlon. Then, at approximately 250 yards, move to the outside of the pack and swim directly to a kayaker named Chad. Tread water alongside Chad’s kayak. Chad will look at you expectantly, but is otherwise not allowed to provide any prompting or assistance during Initiation.

 

1. Say to Chad, “Can I give you my wetsuit?” This specific wording isn’t mandatory, so long as your meaning is clear. Acceptable variations might include: “I’m going to strip now.”, “This rubber suit is drowning me.”, or “How ‘bout them Rays?”

 

1. Chad will look at you as if he’s heard this request a million times already and reply, “Sure, go for it.”

 Phase II: PreparationThis short phase is controversial and currently under review. Some authorities contend that Preparation may constitute improper use of Chad. 

1. Remove your goggles and hold them out to Chad while reaching for the middle of Chad’s kayak and say, “Will you hold these a moment?”

 

1. Chad will reply, “Don’t grab the kayak there or we’ll both be in the drink.” He will then extend his paddle toward you and say, “Just put them here,” referring to the end of his paddle.

 

1. Put your goggles on Chad’s paddle.

 NOTE: If you have a concern that your swim cap could be dislodged during Pullover (See below), it is also permissible to deposit your swim cap on Chad’s paddle. This maneuver, known as “headpopping” is unnecessary for the author–the hugeness of his melon necessitating the use of two hands and a tire lever for swim cap removal. Phase III: PulloverTechniques will differ according to the type of suit you wear. Remember, though, that only a full length, full sleeve, full thickness suit is allowed in Triathapeel™. 

1. Tread water with your feet while blindly using your hands to locate your zipper pull-cord. Hold your breath while you sink below the surface during the interminable amount of time it takes to find the damn thing.

 

1. If you run out of breath before completing the previous step; surface, take a deep breath, and repeat the previous step until complete.

 

1. Open the zipper.

 

1. While continuing to tread water with your feet, pull the pullover over your head and arms. Hold your breath while you sink below the surface during the interminable amount of time it takes to pull the damn thing over your head and arms.

 

1. If you run out of breath before completing the previous step; surface, take a deep breath, and repeat the previous step until complete.

 

1. Throw the pullover across the front deck of Chad’s kayak.

 Phase IV: Bibjohn 

1. Tread water with your feet while removing your suspenders.

 

1. Stop treading water and pull the bibjohn down over your hips, knees, and calves. Hold your breath while you sink below the surface. Note that you will sink more quickly now that you no longer are treading water and you no longer have the buoyancy of the pullover.

 

1. If you run out of breath before completing the previous step; surface, take a deep breath, and repeat the previous step until complete.

 

1. Grasp your right foot with your left hand and use your right hand to pull the suit leg over your foot. Note that you will sink several feet under the water during this highly technical and time-consuming maneuver known as “hotfooting”. After at least three attempts, realize that you need your goggles.

 

1. Surface and say to Chad, “May I have my goggles, please?” (Chad will comply.) Tread water with your feet while you put your goggles on.

 

1. Again, grasp your right foot with your left hand and use your right hand to pull the suit leg over your right foot.

 

1. IMPORTANT: Repeat the previous step no less than five times, sinking further and further below the surface and experiencing increasing hypoxia and desperation with each attempt, until complete.

 

1. Use both hands to pull the suit leg over your left foot, and completely remove the bibjohn.

 

1. Throw the bibjohn across the front deck of Chad’s kayak.

 Phase 5: Disengagement 

1. Swim to the bow of Chad’s kayak and hang there, exhausted, while you dejectedly realize that competitors from two following waves have already reached your position.

 

1. Say to Chad, “Thanks for the help.”

 

1. Chad will ask, “Where do you want me to leave the suit?”

 

1. Make an unintelligible reply and resume the swim portion of your TriathaPeel™.

 Additional reading:Interested readers may request a copy of the prepublication draft of the author’s scholarly article, “Hypothermic degradation of higher cortical function with resultant loss of competitive swim stroke ability and reversion to an atavistic dog-paddle sort of stroke thingy during the last leg of a 1500 yard swim.”